I’m tired when I am out with other people but an energizer bunny when I lay awake alone, in my head, in my empty room. This emotional burden makes me so tired yet prohibits me to fall asleep. Doing relaxing things I love like running and ice skating are not as relaxing as they could be… because of the 10 ton boulder of thoughts on my mind. I just want to break free and express myself… Oh can I please lift this boulder from my mind? My mind is perpetually captured in this perpetual fog. Which one is perpetual? So which one can I change??
It is the voice in my head laughing at me when I walk up to the grocery store. It is the mental barrier to human connection when talking to people. It is the ghost in my room and the phantom in my dreams. These experiences are the echoes my mom’s fatigued desperate cries I have Asperger’s and am less than the other happy ‘normal’ kids. The freedom to be myself… Every day of my waking life I expound ten times more energy fighting to escape the imprisonment of my mind. Fighting my anxiety that I am a good enough. I am okay. My actions are good. I am a good girlfriend. I am a human being. I am allowed to make mistakes. My boyfriend does love me. Clinging to that love from the walls of my prison
Relaxing childhood play? what? Evasive smells and sensory overloads. My mind is weighed down by a 10 ton boulder of all the memories of my childhood. The rejection of friendship and taunting of inescapable weaknesses. I try to twist the taunts back to them and control my temperature only to meet stern eyes and judgmental glances. What did I do wrong and what is wrong with me? Everything I do is stupid. Then mysterious games of tricksters and jokers that left me confused and bewildered. The offer me wildering flowers only to turn withering. The evasive touch playground play beneath the sandy sand pits of fast feet and scream filled air of good vibrations……NO…..NO….I….NO-ISY VI-BRA-TIONS. It is PULLLLL-SING. The touch of skin two boys creep up. aggressive panic switch pulsing in my mind. a group of 3rd graders tackle me. Slither sleep there is no sleep without thinking of that and the attack on my mind and my body. Ostracism and isolation. Fights and arguments. It’s always my fault. My behavior is ugly. My face is ugly. I’m stupid. The total heart break and PRE-TEEN REALITY CHECK…..crushed my world. Crushing….landslide…until I had a change of worlds that left me the enemy. How am I the bully now? I am hostile and people respect me. I’m crushed. Now im A CRUSHEE?? Is it true?! Him?! I don’t know any friends in my class. Every girl likes make up and justin Bieber. EW. I am not like the girls in my class. awkward middle school. I got my braces off I will talk now. I hate my face. I cant do anything right. I cant talk. I hate myself. What’s the point of life when I’m bound to go through another helpless silent day? Im embarrassed for the disgraceful sorry excuse of a human I have become. I want to change. Im GONNA CHANGE. I WILL DO THIS. I WILL MAKE A PLAN I CANNOT FAIL CUZ IT WILL BE SO EASY TO FOLLOW BUT ALAS. The plan. Why cant I just stick to my plans. I cant even stick to my plans anymore. Im worthless. What…is…wrong with me?
There was a lot I wished to say. I wish I would have overcame my depression sooner. I wish I would go through it now, with a strong mind. I wish I could talk to more kids. I wish I could have conveyed my loneliness, depression and anxiety to the kids. Everyone was nice. The small school was a unicorn. I had so much to say. I wanted to tell everybody this is the first school kids did not bully me. This school was a big change for me. I had no voice. I could not express myself, but I so badly wanted to, and to connect with someone. The thing is, only… maybe… four years of my high school experience bothers me. And in a world full of unicorns this means I loved my high school experience. But I do not hate it. Not in the real world. Things are much more… complicated…
***INTRO AND EXPLANATIONS:***
I’m sorry I did not post last week. I was working on this and I did not know where to go with it and wanted to capture everything right and needed a break. I had a lot of emotions and frustration on my mind. I have attempted to take you readers on my seemingly 100 mile trek with Asperger’s in a high speed rocket launcher with feeling and sincere thoughts.
I grapple witth all the things I wish i would have done, but we all wish we would have done things and that things would have turned out a different way than they did. This is wishing and sure the idea of unicorns is nice and its all wishing and these exist somewhere where unicorns are. …But the real world is now and accepting that and making do and making what you want from complications and things that are not so simple and happy. That is beautiful. that is what reality has… and it can be beautiful like …a rainbow.